Friday Fictioneers – The Perfect Place

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It has been ages since I had a chance to write for any online/blog writing challenges, I am looking forward to trying to manage my 100 words this week for FF – Friday Fictioneers.

Join in and check out the challenge at Rochelle’s blog. Click the icon friday-fictioneers don’t forget to read the RULES.

 

PHOTO PROMPT Copyright -Jennifer Pendergast

 

PHOTO PROMPT
Copyright –Jennifer Pendergast scalpel

They leant the bikes against the wall where the others were.

“It’s the perfect place to film.”

“We’ll struggle getting the equipment up, there’s no room for the van.”

“We don’t need it, we’d cycle again.” Adele sighed.

Stephen always picked holes in her ideas, no matter how good they were.

“I’ll phone them.” she said, finding the perfect excuse to turn away.

Stephen made a quick sketch.

 

“They won’t do it. They say it’s haunted.”

“What rubbish!”

The pair got back on their bikes, Stephen glanced up and saw the windows were open. He knew he’d drawn them shut.

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22 responses »

  1. Dear Neenslewey,

    There were several story lines going on here, all capped off with the ‘oh, my goodness’ line. The reveal was good, but what was the point of all the other character development?

    Aloha,

    Doug

    • I have spent too long away from my flash fiction pen Doug. Could you enlighten me on ways I may have avoided the unnecessary character development. You know that place you stand inside your own story where you can’t see the wood for the trees?

  2. Dear Neens,

    A lot going on in this story between her calling the film crew and the strained relationship between Stephen and Adele. Was it me, or did it change point of view after she phoned?

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

      • For one I’d take out Stephen sketching. Seems to detract from the two story lines, ie their filming the place and her irritation.

        Then perhaps something like,

        After she’d made the call she came back with the news. “They say they won’t do it. It’s haunted.”
        “Rubbish.”
        “Guess they don’t realize you’re always right.”
        As they mounted their bikes Stephen looked up. “I could’ve sworn those windows were shut.”

        All suggestion and I don’t know what that does to your word count.

        Now aren’t you glad you asked? 😉

  3. My favorite part was the last line:

    The pair got back on their bikes, Stephen glanced up and saw the windows were open. He knew he’d drawn them shut.

    Good job, keep writing

  4. Well you can certainly tell I have been away from FF for too long, a bit rusty. I don’t see the multiple storylines though. As always thanks for the honest reviews, a rewrite would do it.

    • Thanks. I couldn’t decide what sort of story to write, but there was more an air of bizarre than wedding venue for me… Glad it led somewhere in the end.

  5. It was a bit hard to follow this because of the POV switch and the lack of speech attribution, but you mention you’re rusty and I think with a little polish you could have this story shining bright!

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