This week’s FWF by Guest host Kelley Rose asks a deeply profound question;
What I would like to know, your prompt for the day, is what was that pivotal moment for you, and most importantly, how did it change you?
Click the FWF banner to find out more and read other bloggers answers to this prompt.
Pivotal Moment – The Other Side of Black is White
For many years I suffered depression, undiagnosed and battling through life everyday was a struggle. There were many outside influences which caused my anxiety and stress, they were all situations that I felt caught in and I couldn’t see how I could change my life for the better. Despite friends, family and Mr G telling me exactly what I should do to overcome this darkness.
Life was definitely no fun anymore and some nights I would fall asleep with the wish that I would not wake up again. (Fortunately the universe didn’t listen!) In early 2012, I found myself at breaking point and sought medical support.
There is a test that Doctors use to calculate the level of depression. I scored so highly on the test that I only dropped a couple of points off the maximum. If a job’s worth doing – it’s worth doing well. It was no wonder that despite trying self-help I had got nowhere. Medication was prescribed and I was signed off from work.
Hello rock bottom.
Which I am still not strong enough to write about and I believe the pivotal prompt is more about sharing the shine than the darkness.
Needless to say this dark passage, the longest journey I have ever been on – had a domino effect on my life, which at the time was not a positive collapse of all I knew. I ended up back at work – before I was well enough to cope – this led to reduced hours and many problems that I didn’t feel it was fair I was facing (disability act and all that), I could no longer afford my apartment on half a salary, I stood to lose my home (not something that is going to spur a depressed person onto happier places!) I had no spare cash so couldn’t have gone out much even if I had wanted to – which I didn’t. I have only recently (early summer) this year found the pleasure in socialising again. It is a long, hard process and one that still requires a lot of action on my part and intervention.
But from the depths of this dark journey I found buried treasure. Parts of myself supressed for years.
When I was very ill there is little I could do, I didn’t leave the bed. But I took something there. My books. For the first time in years I had time to read and the pages enabled me to escape into worlds where I didn’t have to confront what was happening to me or around me. I rediscovered my love of the written word.
A year later, I was writing! Something I hadn’t done for over six years (and I used to be a published poet, performance writer and freelance writer), at first it was a depression diary, then a journal and eventually real work. Stories and poems.
I started this blog because of it – and the list of what I have gained from having the blog and the wordpress community is endless.
Mr G and I also bought our house together. Moving in early summer this year. Another hugely pivotal and positive event.
I have had a poem published and I am back on the performance poetry circuit.
I am alive.
Most importantly I know I have the strength to survive anything. There is another side – and I will come out on top in the end. I AM A GOOD PERSON AND I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN!
It is only from this pain that we learn to survive. From knowing we can survive we harness hope. That peace of mind stays with you no matter what colour your day is. No matter what happens. We know. There is another chance. That change will come, but it will bring opportunity. That I am not the same person that I was two years ago or even two days ago. That growth is life and growing pains can last beyond adolescence. That this is what life is.
Knowing the other side of black is white – that light can be found in the depths of darkness carries me on. Life is for living and sometimes that’s hard. But keep breathing because your next breath may offer you a pivotal moment of your own.
Thanks for the read.
Thank you for sharing your journey…
Thanks – hopefully it’s not too hard to read – it was a bit scary writing the truth – I was toying with choosing a different pivotal moment – but writing as therapy works too 😉
Yes and your bravery will bless others too 🙂
Hope so 🙂
Your honesty and willingness to share is important. Someone, dealing with depression and it’s web of feelings, actions and reactions, can read your words and know they are not alone. It might be their pivotal point.
Thanks – I am working on some actual writing for this very purpose. I turned to book shelves and the right thing just hadn’t been written yet. The one thing you never believe at the beginning is that there will ever be an end to it. So yes, hopefully this will give someone hope and courage.
ah, there is a glimmer of a diamond in the rough 🙂 Thank you so very much for being brave, and speaking your heart. So many slog through depression without the will to help themselves, you are an amazing person.
Thanks Kelley – it was an heart opening prompt – I know I am a strong person, not sure about amazing 😉 maybe one day!
Congratulations on embracing your journey to wellness. Thank you for sharing it with us. … Be well, Dorothy 🙂
Thanks Dorothy – I am well on the way to healing. It has been – well the post says it all really – but now I get to hold onto all the opportunities which came from that low point in my life – and this year is so much better than last year and it will just get better and better.
Well done. I had a feeling through following you these last 6 months that depression had visited you and overstayed its welcome. As with all painful experiences, it is not easy to share and can only be done when one is ready to open herself to others. I am honored to be a part of your journey to a new and brighter path! Shine On Sister!! 🙂 🙂
Awww thanks Kim – love ‘shine on’…. I used to have a A4 laminated sign in my classroom with just the word SHINE on it (in a funky font of course!) 🙂
I love this year, there is still a path of obstacles to overcome but through the experience of this illness I have learnt to live my life again, it is the first time in years that I have been switched on enough to do so. I shut down to survive I think.
Now everything is heading up and even bad days are nothing compared to what they were, usually they involve a lot of sleep.
And the greatest outcome is I picked that pen up again. I suppose just like DIY or tidying a room there is that point where it always looks worse than it did at the start, before the beautiful, shiny end result!
Reblogged this on awritersfountain and commented:
Yesterday I found out a friend had committed suicide. Much as I want to write the feelings of my silent heart out, I am unable to. The universe stepped in and my blog roll threw me this post written a long time ago.
Keep breathing & keep the light.