This week’s FWF by Guest host Kelley Rose asks a deeply profound question;
What I would like to know, your prompt for the day, is what was that pivotal moment for you, and most importantly, how did it change you?
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Pivotal Moment – The Other Side of Black is White
For many years I suffered depression, undiagnosed and battling through life everyday was a struggle. There were many outside influences which caused my anxiety and stress, they were all situations that I felt caught in and I couldn’t see how I could change my life for the better. Despite friends, family and Mr G telling me exactly what I should do to overcome this darkness.
Life was definitely no fun anymore and some nights I would fall asleep with the wish that I would not wake up again. (Fortunately the universe didn’t listen!) In early 2012, I found myself at breaking point and sought medical support.
There is a test that Doctors use to calculate the level of depression. I scored so highly on the test that I only dropped a couple of points off the maximum. If a job’s worth doing – it’s worth doing well. It was no wonder that despite trying self-help I had got nowhere. Medication was prescribed and I was signed off from work.
Hello rock bottom.
Which I am still not strong enough to write about and I believe the pivotal prompt is more about sharing the shine than the darkness.
Needless to say this dark passage, the longest journey I have ever been on – had a domino effect on my life, which at the time was not a positive collapse of all I knew. I ended up back at work – before I was well enough to cope – this led to reduced hours and many problems that I didn’t feel it was fair I was facing (disability act and all that), I could no longer afford my apartment on half a salary, I stood to lose my home (not something that is going to spur a depressed person onto happier places!) I had no spare cash so couldn’t have gone out much even if I had wanted to – which I didn’t. I have only recently (early summer) this year found the pleasure in socialising again. It is a long, hard process and one that still requires a lot of action on my part and intervention.
But from the depths of this dark journey I found buried treasure. Parts of myself supressed for years.
When I was very ill there is little I could do, I didn’t leave the bed. But I took something there. My books. For the first time in years I had time to read and the pages enabled me to escape into worlds where I didn’t have to confront what was happening to me or around me. I rediscovered my love of the written word.
A year later, I was writing! Something I hadn’t done for over six years (and I used to be a published poet, performance writer and freelance writer), at first it was a depression diary, then a journal and eventually real work. Stories and poems.
I started this blog because of it – and the list of what I have gained from having the blog and the wordpress community is endless.
Mr G and I also bought our house together. Moving in early summer this year. Another hugely pivotal and positive event.
I have had a poem published and I am back on the performance poetry circuit.
I am alive.
Most importantly I know I have the strength to survive anything. There is another side – and I will come out on top in the end. I AM A GOOD PERSON AND I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN!
It is only from this pain that we learn to survive. From knowing we can survive we harness hope. That peace of mind stays with you no matter what colour your day is. No matter what happens. We know. There is another chance. That change will come, but it will bring opportunity. That I am not the same person that I was two years ago or even two days ago. That growth is life and growing pains can last beyond adolescence. That this is what life is.
Knowing the other side of black is white – that light can be found in the depths of darkness carries me on. Life is for living and sometimes that’s hard. But keep breathing because your next breath may offer you a pivotal moment of your own.