Friday Fictioneers – A Soul Saved

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Friday Fiction

©-David Stewart

My flash fiction started life as a poem – I have posted that too. Love to hear thoughts on both.

” I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.” Jevon wept, “She just jumped, there was never a chance to…..” save her he thought to himself , words he couldn’t bring himself to say anymore. Days spent as a ghost, mourning her, places he couldn’t go, pictures it was too painful to see. Deeply guilty that she could not confide in him, he was always too busy, occupied. Sarah needed his strength, he forgot that all too quickly after the engagement.

The image of her coat, flapping desperately against her fragile body, never left his mind. If only he had closed his eyes.

______________

The original freewrite poem.

 

He reaches out to grab her hand,

she is falling –

falling from the ground that once held her

the rooftop paradise.

 

She falls through the dark skies

her coat flowing upwards like

angel’s wings.

 

He falls to the ground

Clings to the edge of the roof

Too late…

To catch her soul.

——–

 

She didn’t turn

as he ran across the rooftop.

Scrunched her eyes up

and edged closer.

 

Tears drowned her eyes

Salt turned her blind,

He calls something

That she doesn’t understand.

 

The

last

thing

she

heard

Was her own inhalation

as

she took her final step.

 

Friday Fictioneers is a challenge you can participate in too – click this week’s photo it is linked to the host blog rochellewisofffields.

Have a go and please leave me your thoughts on my effort to complete the 100 word Story Challenge.

28 responses »

  1. i like that a lot! the tail end sort of reminds me of a narrative emily dickinson style…it’s great when people can create vivid/powerful impressions with few words. I love poetry/creative writing. right now i’m focusing more on a video blog discussing the creative process/evolution of music culture from my perspective as a singer/songwriter. I find that i draw deeply on my college poetry classes for lyrics to my material. anyway, great writing and clever blog title—keep it up!

    • Thank you, good luck with your blog. Poetry & music link well. I have been asked to write 2 songs, somebody else wrote the music.
      The title of my blog was the name of a website/writing community I created over a decade ago. Lots happened & I no longer have the website, thought I would use AWF as my blog in homage. I am a published poet and my website was for poets. If you dive into the waters of the fountain, you will find more poetry here. Enjoy.

  2. I love both the poem and the story. I think the story flows more smoothly throughout, though. Its ending also leaves a more powerful impression on me. But I’m mostly a prose person, so that might be why I feel that way.

    • Thank you for the comments, I added the prose as I wasn’t sure poetry was allowed on the challenge. I have since found it is.
      This was my 3rd attempt at 100 flash fiction. Glad you enjoyed the read x

    • Thank you, the intention of the poem was to tell the story from the point of view of each of them. The prose was flashback thought, a memory he cannot erase. It replays. Which did you feel was written backwards? Or did you mean how the prose came out of the poetry? Hope it still worked for you.

      • Sorry I was not clear. What I meant was, you have the Story, then Poem 1 then Poem 2. From reading, the events took place as described in Poem 2, then Poem 1, then the Story. At least that was my understanding.

      • That’s an interesting (and valid) perspective Abraham. I wrote poems 1 and 2 first then the story… I will have to read them in reverse order 🙂

  3. It sounds to me that no matter what he did the end result would’ve been the same. Maybe he could’ve been more attentive and in tune with the signs. Suicide always leaves survivors with questions and (perhaps undeserved) guilt. I like the way you took poetry to prose.
    Shalom,
    Rochelle

    • I find it much harder to write fiction, let alone add emotion. The flash fiction is closer to poetry than general fiction, as the word count is so low. I have poems longer than 100 words!
      Glad you liked the poem, thanks for response.

  4. if he had closed his eyes, reminds me of when a great friend fell off a motorcycle and spilled and rolled through a street. i did not envy the rider behind her who had to helplessly watch.

    this line: “Jevon wept, “She just jumped, there was never a chance to…..” save her he thought to himself…” think about a period after “wept” also period after “jumped.” and i’m curious as to why “save her” isn’t inside the quotes.

    • Rich thanks for your critique, I have looked again and you are right ‘save her’ should be inside the quotes. I didn’t proof it as much as I should have. When I write the challenges I tend to post them straight in with limited editing (free writing) I will pay more attention next time.
      Periods revisited – Jevon wept. Full stop. What would you suggest after ‘jumped’?

      I’m sorry to hear about your friend too.

      • after jumped, best to have period. i think a lot of people are focusing more on getting their stories posted early because they’re looking for a maximum number of views and likes, but they’re sacrificing making the story better. i’m hoping that soon we’re going to be unable to post until thursday instead of wednesday.

      • I didn’t have an intention to grab readers or likes, I only have limited internet access so tend to post on the same session. I only wrote the flash because I wasn’t sure poetry was acceptable, I now know it is.
        I have found your comments useful and obviously don’t want to post writing littered with mistakes, however, I don’t believe these errors have dramatically diminished the story I posted.

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